Time to Think
by BlackBear53
Summary: Just a brief drabble to bridge Aneca to the next in the series. Takes place three years after Aneca. Trouble in paradise.


**Time to Think**

Callen had just returned home after two months away. He walked through the door and back into our lives. His daughter met him with hugs and kisses: she had missed him. She had talked about him every day he was away. He greeted us with expressive hugs and an impressive kiss that had just about bowled me over. His attention gave us the impression that he had missed us.

He'd been away on a particularly grueling case. He and his partner, Sam, had been after a bomber who had been leaving his bombs in public venues like the Queen Mary and the Hollywood Bowl. Because he was away on a very dangerous mission, Gretchen and I had been placed in a safe house for our protection. It is standard operating procedure. We had just been brought home this morning.

About a week after Callen left to go undercover I found out that I was pregnant. There had been no way to contact him. He was in deep cover. Even Hetty had only had once a week contact. That was not the way I wanted him to be told and I didn't want him to worry. I wanted him to come home in one piece. He was home now and I could finally tell him: I needed to find the right time for it.

While waiting for dinner Callen played with Gretchen. We ate dinner, Callen bathed our daughter, played more, and we put her to bed. G and I snuggled a little on the couch waiting for her to go to sleep: she was a little excited having her daddy home. When she was asleep we went to our room and made quick passionate love; it was almost primal in nature. I started to tell him about the baby but he or she beat me to it.

G seemed to be happy to become a dad again. We talked about the new baby and began choosing names. He liked Jarrett for a boy. It's a strong name: Jarrett Callen. It's a cool name. Then he got quiet. What if it's a girl? He liked the name Kendyl: a pretty name for a pretty girl.

Callen's quietness became more pronounced. "Did you know before I left?" He had been happy about his expanding family and now I was seeing something else, but what?

My first impulse was anger but before I blew my stack I had to find out what was bothering my husband. "What are you asking me?" I hesitated, waiting for an answer that never came. "I didn't know for sure until a week after you were gone. There was no way to let you know. I didn't want Hetty telling you, that was my job. I wanted you safe and to not worry about us." I watched his face. He tried to go back to happy from wherever he went, but I could still see that he had his doubts. There was something wrong and I know him, if he doesn't want to talk, he won't. That trait came from a life of mistrust.

Callen had spent his formative years in the foster care system. His mother died when he was four. He watched her die. He was then placed in an orphanage for two years. Someone in their infinite wisdom then took him and put him out into the system until he was eighteen. Most of the homes were abusive, some more than others. The good ones, he was removed from for some reason. The social workers never told him why. Between abusive foster care givers and lack of caring from the system, G learned distrust. Because of the abusive care givers G spent more than his share of time in hospitals, again at the mercy of the system.

We talked a little more and snuggled down to sleep. In the middle of the night I woke to an empty bed. It didn't faze me; Callen does sleep a lot less than most people.

G had gotten up early and let me sleep. He and Gretchen ate breakfast and got ready to face the day. I rose and went to the kitchen. G was—distant – so I asked how he slept. I received a non-descript answer about not being used to sleeping in a bed again. There were no touches, no smiles and no cups of tea. This was not his usual behavior. I watched his back as he left the room.

The doorbell rang and Callen went to answer it. Sam had arrived to take him to work. I followed him out of the kitchen to say good-bye before he left for the day. I turned into the living room to find his duffle bag and bedroll sitting on the rug and his hand on the door.

Sam had a pained look on his face and I knew that something bothered him. Sam turned to our daughter and lifted her up. "Hey Gretchen, how about showing Uncle Sam your new swing set?"

I mouthed back, "Thank You!" As he walked out the back door I turned to face my husband. "G, are you going somewhere?" He didn't answer the question. "Why are these out? You haven't used them in years. What's going on?"

Callen turned and looked at me. "I'm leaving for a while."

I felt like I'd been gut punched. "Why? Wait, you were just going to walk out of here? You told Sam first? Didn't I deserve to be told before him?"

His blue eyes locked on my hazel ones and I felt the anger like a knife to my heart. There was no response to my questions and I was beginning to feel angry myself. I didn't understand at first but then it hit me; he didn't trust me. "What are you angry for? Is it because I am pregnant? You were OK with it last night."

Callen nodded in acceptance. "I am happy about the baby just not being told sooner. Sara, you could have had Hetty tell me."

I didn't want to be angry, but I was. "Is that really the way you would have preferred hearing it? I kept expecting you to come home but that damn operation kept dragging on. I wanted us back together, in our own home where we could be a happy, loving family again. What is this really about?"

Callen's mood grew darker. "In reality, trust."

My mood wasn't getting any lighter either. "Trust?" Why don't you trust me?" A light went on all of a sudden. "You don't think this baby is yours?"

He at least had the decency to look ashamed. "No, I think the baby is mine…I would have liked to know before now. This sounds like irrational thinking, I know, but total honesty is what I need."

"I have never lied to you or kept anything from you until now and I really didn't want to." I needed him to understand.

"I know that, but there is more to this than the pregnancy." He looked around and finally his gaze came back to me. "While you and Gretchen were in the Malibu safe house, Sam and I were hunting a bomber, a terrorist that had left bombs at public venues. We caught him. What we didn't know is there was a second bomber. One who was targeting a family. She left a bomb in their kitchen. We found her and Sam shot her as she placed that bomb." While Callen had started out calmly, his anger and the tone of his voice grew with every word.

I looked at him as if he had gone crazy. "What on earth has this to do with us?" As his voice had grown in tone and anger my tone grew more tense and angry.

Callen had a look that spoke volumes. "She came into our home, our kitchen and she meant to hurt my family. The family that you thought didn't need protecting. That is why this is so important to me. I needed to protect my family." I could tell by the set of his jaw how angry he was with me. "I didn't know about your pregnancy with Gretchen until much later and we talked about that. Now we are doing it again." His fists were clenching and unclenching as he spoke. "I would protect my family no matter what. The fact that you kept it from me again…..hurt."

He had put so much venom in those words. I felt the urge to cry but I wouldn't. I began to get angrier. I lashed back at him. "Every day you walk out that door and I never know if you'll come back, or if Hetty will be here telling me you're not coming home. I wanted to make sure you did your job and came back in one piece. Is that too much to ask?" I moved over to him and put my hand on his cheek. I wanted him to feel the love I felt for him. We had promised to love each other but this leaving felt final. Callen looked me in the face and I could see that he realized the promise and the love, but he took my hand off his face and turned away. It made me even angrier. "When you found me in Rhode Island and I touched your face like that, you removed it then too. It confused me as to what it had meant. I'm getting that same feeling again from you, only this time I'm not confused and it feels permanent."

His blue eyes met mine, but just for an instant and in that moment I saw pain. As he turned and walked away he said the one thing that could hurt me the most. "I need time to think."

It felt like he had slapped me and my first response to that was anger: real anger. "Think about what? What it means to have someone care this much about you? What it means to be part of a family? This is what it feels like to be protected and loved." I stopped before I said too much to fix. I still had one question for him. "Is this the 'lone wolf' Hetty told me about?" I watched his face and the mood never changed. "If it is, this is not the time for him."

He nodded, picked up his duffle bag and his bedroll and I watched him walk through the door and out of our lives again. He must have dialed Sam on the way to the car, because he came through the back door bringing Gretchen to me. I sat down and there were tears in my eyes.

Sam knelt in front of me. "He's a stubborn man, but I'll talk to him. He will call you later."

I looked up at him through my tears. "Thank you, Sam."

Gretchen crawled up onto my lap and gave me a hug. "Why are you crying Mommy?"

I got myself under control and smiled at her. "I'm sad. Daddy needs to go away again." I looked at my little girl and smiled at her. "Do you want to go to the park?" We got ready and went. I couldn't wait around for Callen to see the light. I needed to take care of us.

I needed time to think.

Sara Callen

2014


End file.
